Amusing Notices and Quotes


In a Bucharest hotel lobby:

The lift is being fixed for the day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Paris hotel elevator:

Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:

Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9&11 am daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:

The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian orthodox Monastery:

You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

On a menu in a Swiss restaurant:

Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

In a Bangkok cleaners:

Drop your trousers here for best results.

In a Paris dress shop:

Dresses for street walking.

In a Hong Kong dress shop:

Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

From the Soviet weekly:

There will be a Moscow Exhibition of the Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

In an East African newspaper:

A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

In Germany's Black Forest:

It is strickly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men & women, live together in one tent unless they are married for that purpose.

In a Rome laundry:

Ladies, leave your clothes here & spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czech tourist agency:

Take one of our horse driven tours---we guarantee no miscarriages.

Ad for donkey rides in Thailand:

Would you like to ride your own ass?

On a faucet in a Finnish restroom:

To stop the drip, turn cock to right.

In the window of a Swedish furrier:

Fur coats made for the ladies from their own skin.

Bangkok temple:

It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed like a man.

Tokyo bar:

Special cocktail for the ladies with nuts.

Copenhagen airline ticket office:

We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Norwegian cocktail lounge:

Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Budapest zoo:

Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

Office of a Roman doctor:

Specialist in women and other diseases.

Japanese instructions on an air conditioner:

Cooles & Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

Japanese hotel room:

Guests are requested not to smoke or do other disgusting behaviours in bed.

Business letter when "Götabanken" changed its name to "Gota Bank":

Dear friends, we are the same guys as before, although we have lost our pricks.

Norwegian Prime Minister after a service in Brasil: 

Thank you for the mess.

Newly appointed Danish minister: 

I am in the beginning of my period.

From a meeting in the European Commission:

The chairman called the meeting to order and asked if there were any matters to discuss under the table.

Sign outside a Spanish travel agency: 

Go away!

Female Norwegian football player:

I tried to screw the ball in the goal.

Swedish businessman:

I am a man who likes to have my balls in the air.

Exhausted female Swedish football player:

I just want to lie down on the coach.

Norwegian TV-host to an American guest who complained about the slippery winter roads:

But didn't you have pigs in your decks?

French-Canadian politician: 

I thank you for giving my wife and me the clap. I thank you from the heart of my bottom.

From a ferry in Puerto Rico:

In case of emergency, the lifeguard are under the seat.

Swedish driver in England:

Excuse me, what is the fart limit? (swedish "fart"= speed)

A Scandinavian au pair in the USA: 

The father in the house: "Do you want to use the rest room before we drive cross State?" Au pair: "No, I can do it in the car."

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